Authors: Allison Lewin & Dr. Holly Battey
Introduction
As women reach midlife, stressors and physiological changes can peak, and many struggle. Compounding factors can include aging, ageism, menopause, empty nest, caring for aging parents, relationship changes, and career transitions. This can be called a “midlife crisis,” as sometimes we seem to lose a sense of who we are and what direction we are traveling. This period of our lives is often marked by significant introspection and evaluation of one’s life choices, achievements, and future goals.
However, we’d like to reframe this as an opportunity to create greater purpose, gain a stronger sense of self, and really ignite magic in midlife! In this article, we’ll share more on the transition many women experience and tips on how to manage it so you can optimize your wellness and romance during this pivotal period. For simplicity, we have focused on cisgender and heterosexual relationships, but we acknowledge that many individuals have different gender associations and partnerships and may face similar or unique challenges.
The Female Midlife Transition
As we move into our 40’s and 50’s, we experience the actualization of the aging process. Women are often socialized to value themselves based on physical attractiveness and reproductive capabilities. We spend so much time, money, and mental energy trying to optimize how others see us externally. As our bodies change, we may feel diminished in society’s eyes, less appealing and more invisible.
Women also face ageism in today’s society and can experience bias in our personal and professional lives. We may have hit the peak of our careers and be overlooked for new leadership opportunities, because some may view us as “past our prime.” Likewise, the job market may appear to value our younger colleagues as having more future promise and innovative ideas. There can be a sense of loss and mourning over what we haven’t done, or that we are now a different version of ourselves.
In addition, women in midlife are often under a profound amount of stress. We may have challenging teenage children, kids leaving the nest, aging parents, and/or career pivots. We all face so many distractions, things competing for our time, and the constant pinging of our devices 24/7. Gen X grew up in a time of promise and opportunity. Sometimes it is hard to live up to these expectations and we’ve been saddled with more challenging economic times, Covid, increasing social justice clashes, changing definitions of gender and sexuality, wars, climate change, and other external impacts. It’s no wonder that nearly 60% of Gen Xers describe themselves as stressed out.1
Female Hormonal Changes
Biologically, people with female sex characteristics travel through the transition into menopause. Perimenopause is when you start to notice symptoms, they may progress, and periods change. Counter to many preconceived notions, perimenopause lasts an average of seven years and can linger for 14 years or more.2 Menopause is the “day” when you’ve gone twelve consecutive months without a period. Then, after that, you are in postmenopause for the rest of your life. The hormonal changes women experience can cause over forty symptoms, starting in perimenopause and often morphing through the journey.
Menopause brings physical changes like weight gain or redistribution, hair thinning or loss, skin drying and itchiness, brittle nails, joint and muscle pain, headaches migraines, and more. Many women have genitourinary symptoms of menopause (GSM) such as vaginal dryness and irritation, urinary frequency or incontinence, and painful sex; these impacts can not only be uncomfortable but can affect your sex life and relationship with your partner.
Many face neurological impacts such as hot flashes, night sweats, brain fog – which can include cognition and memory issues, slower processing, and forgetfulness. Psychological symptoms are also incredibly common in menopause – anxiety, depression, mood disruptions, and just “not feeling right” in one’s body. We can feel more emotional, irritable, or show rage unexpectedly. On top of these impacts, many encounter major sleep disruptions – trouble falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night, or sleep apnea. High stress and lack of sleep can be a vicious cycle – our stress makes our symptoms worse, which makes our stress worse, which makes our symptoms worse. All of these cognitive and psychological impacts can create a crisis of self-confidence and truly undermine our ability to perform at our best.
In addition to the symptoms described, facing the end of our fertility may further affect our perception of aging. The patriarchy continues to reinforce that a women’s worth is her ability to breed and attractiveness, so we may feel like “less of a woman.” Social media can make this even worse by providing unrealistic portrayals of youthfulness or lack of acceptance for aging naturally. Some are haunted by the person they thought they’d be, have regrets, or don’t know the person they want to become.
Women & Their Relationships
All of these physiological changes can have significant impact on our relationships. With all of the changes in our bodies and brains, our ability to manage caregiving responsibilities and juggle all of the balls in our lives is sometimes compromised. We may not enjoy sex and intimacy in the same way. Our partner may have a hard time understanding this “new version” of us, and we may feel that our male counterpart has also changed during this mid-life period. Relationships may become more “transactional” – managing chores and the demands of daily life. All of this can impact our intimacy, communication, and connectedness.
Separations and divorces can accelerate in midlife with 36% of U.S. adults divorcing at 50 or older.3 In a recent survey by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, 73% blamed menopause for the breakdown of their marriage, while 67% claimed it increased domestic abuse and arguments.4
Women in the Workplace
Women may have challenges in the workplace during midlife, as 86% women who are going through or have been through menopause while working have experienced symptoms.5 Eighty-five percent of women have felt an impact on their work productivity or satisfaction due to menopause.6 Companies have not caught up with this workforce dynamic, as just 8% of women say their employer has offered significant support for menopause.7 Many women decide to pause their upward career climb, pass up promotions, or leave the workforce all together during menopause.
How Midlife Magic Can Happen!
Midlife for women is an opportunity for reflection on personal fulfillment, relationships, and rebalancing career and family responsibilities. This may lead to a reassessment of priorities, a desire for self-discovery, or a focus on personal growth and empowerment. Research also indicates that we face a “U-curve” slump in middle age – a temporary dip in well-being that occurs in middle age that reverses, and after which our happiness increases dramatically!8
Midlife presents a great opportunity for us to reassess our purpose and ensure we are fulfilled professionally and in our personal relationships. It’s an excellent time to consider a career shift or start something entrepreneurial. It’s also important that, if you are suffering during menopause in your workplace, you advocate for support, resources, and potential accommodations. More and more organizations are offering menopause awareness training, better healthcare options including telehealth, and internal resources.
Likewise, some women find at midlife they are not with the partners with whom they want to share the rest of their lives and counseling, or a decision to end a relationship, may result. While some who find themselves suddenly single at midlife can feel overwhelmed and lost, there is tremendous opportunity for finding a better suited partner. The more we know ourselves, the easier it is to find an aligned partner. The biggest determinant of long-term happiness is the quality of our relationships. So, if partnership is important to you, seeking support from a dating coach can expedite your path to your desired goal. As long as you have a heartbeat, you’re never too old to find love.
Managing Menopause
When managing menopause, it’s important to surround yourself with the right support. Unfortunately, only 31% of OBGYNs are actually educated in menopause care, so it is important to find a true menopause expert.9 You can visit The Menopause Society for a directory of caregivers who are certified menopause experts. It is helpful to also pursue lifestyle changes and modify your diet, exercise, sleep regimen, and stress management tools. Medical options, such as Menopause Hormone Therapy (MHT), or other prescriptions options, are worthy of consideration to mitigate symptoms, and optimize your long-term healthfulness. Having other friends in menopause, or joining a support group, can provide further assistance.
Liberation
While there can be an awful lot to deal with in midlife, it can also feel liberating! Menopause brings an end to worrying about your monthly period or birth control. You may find that, gradually, you have fewer individuals leaning on you and requiring your support. This provides a profound opportunity to focus more on yourself and what you want. Many women in midlife also seem to shed the self-consciousness and judgement they shackled themselves with previously. It can become a whole new era of “not giving a f*ck” and channeling one’s energies into what will be most fulfilling.
Finding a New Partner
As part of this midlife reset, women may reassess their love life and choose to nurture their existing relationship, end it, or find a new partner. All these options can lead to renewed optimism in midlife. We evolve through life, and so do our needs and desires. This transition gives us the opportunity to take personal inventory and make our dreams our reality. It’s truly a time to actualize our greatest dreams for our life!
Conclusion
While the concept of a midlife crisis is commonly associated with feelings of disillusionment and upheaval, it’s essential to recognize that women’s experiences of this phenomenon can differ significantly. From societal expectations to biological factors to coping mechanisms, a variety of influences shape how individuals navigate midlife transitions. By understanding and acknowledging these differences, we can cultivate greater self-understanding, but also foster empathy and support for individuals undergoing this transformative stage of life. Once we understand that our body is changing, and our direction can too, we can find greater capacity for joy. Embrace it!
The Authors
Allison Lewin is the Founder of Menowar and a Menopause Coach offering coaching, education, and support to guide women positively through the menopause journey. She also serves as a Client Service Director, providing workplace menopause education and training for corporations, at Over the Bloody Moon. Allison received her certification from Menopause Experts Group and represents the nonprofit, Menopause Café. She earned her B.A. and M.B.A. from Duke University and enjoyed a 25+ year career as a Marketing executive and leader at companies such as Walmart.com, Johnson & Johnson, F’real Foods, and Nestle. While Allison’s deepest expertise is in Marketing, she has also served in executive roles leading Sales, Product Development, Customer Support, and Innovation. Having experienced her own menopause challenges, Allison speaks from personal experience and understanding. Her mission is to advocate for improving women’s healthcare quality and access, reduce the stigma surrounding menopause, and provide women with the knowledge and strategies to manage their menopause and long-term health proactively. She is based in the San Francisco Bay area and works with individuals and corporations across the U.S.
Dr. Holly Battey is a nationally recognized Psychologist & Dating Coach who mentors high-achieving, self-aware single women to find and keep the love of their dreams. With a doctorate in clinical psychology, she founded Find Love At Last in 2014 to empower others to find the love they’ve been dreaming of. Holly has been a coach, psychologist, (retired) matchmaker, and image consultant for over 15 years. Dr. Holly is a sought-after dating expert, thought leader, speaker, and regular contributor on international podcasts and television broadcasts and has been featured on CBS News, TODAY, Women’s Health, Shape, Bustle, Yahoo, and more. She brings more than 15 years of rich personal dating experience before finding her amazing husband. She is the Founder of the Single to Soulmate Signature System – the proven path to soulmate love – and her mission is mentoring empaths to rise in their romantic lives because the world needs more authentic, empowered love. She’s based in San Francisco, California, and works with clients around the world.
REFERENCES
- Oprah – “The New Midlife Crisis”
- NIH – “What Is Menopause””
- NIH – “The Graying of Divorce: A Half Century of Change”
- Balance Menopause – “Emotionally Supporting Each Other Through the Menopause.
- Vodafone – Menopause Research
- Evernow – “The Silent Challenge – Menopause in the Workplace”
- Carrot Fertility – “Menopause in the Workplace”
- The Atlantic – “The Real Roots of Midlife Crisis”
- The Menopause Society – 8/9/23
